“This is gonna change the way you punch dicks.”
fmylife: Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I’d get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, “I want my prize on the kitchen table!” It was her mom who’d just got back from work. FML
fmylife: Today, my over-protective mom decided to do a blacklight test on my room to make sure I wasn’t doing the naughty in my bed. The bed was clean. My face wasn’t. FML
fmylife: Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn’tcome back. FML
fmylife: Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage, then the security told me to get down and said the stage was only for girls. I’m 23. I’m a girl. FML
fmylife: Today, my boyfriend’s mom said, “Just because I didn’t hear you sneak in last night doesn’t mean I can’t hear you guys having sex.” I didn’t come over last night. FML
fmylife: Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I told my boyfriend not to tell anyone, because I know how boys are. He promises he won’t tell. The next day, he wore a shirt saying “Rebecca was Here” with an arrow pointing down. FML
fmylife: Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML
fmylife: Today, I was at my bosses house for a company BBQ. Earlier I had taken muscle relaxants to calm my lower back pain. After a few drinks it was clear the alcohol and medication did not mix. I woke up few hours later to find out I had stripped naked and jumped into the 4 foot cake before passing out. FML
fmylife: Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML
Sacha Baron Cohen's "Bruno" Gets an NC-17 Rating →
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter. SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental...
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” — Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 “I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 “I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data...
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband,dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the president of Harvard’s outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn’t even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned. “We want...